


The Loki Logs

by onewiththeuniverse



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cafes, Dinosaurs, Gen, Humor, Nothing is Safe, Texting, Zoo, taking potshots at local brews, taking potshots at reality tv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-01-29 19:00:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21415075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onewiththeuniverse/pseuds/onewiththeuniverse
Summary: After escaping Asgard's cells, Loki travels to Midgard to cause a little chaos and reflect.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	1. The Far-Seeing Canvas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KitKatWinchester](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitKatWinchester/gifts).
**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki discovers television.

_ Today, I discovered something that the humans call television. It is a box or canvas which displays previously-performed works of theatre. The works can be viewed as many times as one wishes. Each work belongs to a set of narratives called a ‘show’ or ‘series’ and each of those is divided into ‘seasons’. It is similar to Asgardian sagas, but being Midgardian in origin, is naturally inferior. While few ‘shows’ approach watchability, most are pure drivel. How any race of beings could possibly be entertained by something so insipid as ‘reality television’ is beyond my comprehension._

_ On the other hand, the petty squabbles of these affluent simpletons are slightly entertaining for the reactions they cause in the aforementioned dullards._

“That’s what keeps people watching,” the woman was explaining. “Brandi doesn’t know if the father is Matthew or Patrick! The audience wants to know, so they keep watching.”

“It should not matter to them who sired the child. It does not affect their life.”

“Unless they bet on the outcome.”

Loki gave in to the impulse to close his eyes tightly and sigh. Midgardians obsessed over the stupidest things.  



	2. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki tries to unwind after discovering reality television.

_After that dreadful conversation about Midgardian reality television, I decided to find a place to relax. The television sage I’d conversed with recommended a coffee shop some streets away. Finding it was no small matter, as trying to get anywhere in this city is a challenge with the humans all walking in herds. How is anyone supposed to get anywhere if everyone is in the way?_

_ Eventually I did find the shop. It was a simple feat to borrow some currency and order the coffee the woman recommended, as well as a cranberry scone. Humans value their currency, almost to the point where they worship it. Perhaps I need to reconsider my methods of conquering this realm._

_ Coffee is unpalatable. The only way one can drink it is by loading it with sugar and cream until the original flavour is gone. I cannot understand why they don’t just do away with the coffee and instead drink the cream._

_ The scones are decent, though._


	3. Midgardian Menagerie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki visits the zoo and has a few things to say.

_ Midgardian menageries are mildly amusing. They host a modest variety of specimens, however, they hold nowhere near the amount of dangerous creatures as would be expected of such an exhibit. The lions made plenty of noise, but did little other than lie in the sun. The single tiger made no noise, but paced its enclosure. Perhaps it was looking for a way to get at the gawking humans._

_ Midgard has no unicorns (even though their image is everywhere) but boasts of a creature called a zebra. My attempts to purchase one for use as a mount were met with disappointment. I may have to go directly to the source._

_ The herptile house is woefully underrepresented. The serpents on Midgard are nowhere near as dangerous-or as large-as the ones on Vanaheim. A group of human children in vibrant matching shirts were fascinated by the largest snake there. They called it a reticulated python. The colourful poisonous frogs in the smaller glass cages within the building bear further study._

_ There is a smaller menagerie within where one can get up close and touch some of the less dangerous animals. Children there were feeding goats and ponies and riding something called a camel. The man supervising the children told them that the camel is a hardy animal that lives in the desert and stores fat that it uses as a food source in the hump on its back._

_ Thank the Norns monkeys don’t exist anywhere but Midgard. They are a base creature that do nothing but scream and throw excrement. I did not think it possible, but I may have found the one thing even more useless than reality television._


	4. Midgardian Menagerie, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki decides that the zoo could use a little spicing up.

_The Midgardian menageries could stand to be a little more exciting. To that end, I donated a creature that Midgard currently lacks, but is collectively fascinated with._

“Hey, Mister Stark?”

Tony didn’t look up from checking his email on his Starkpad. (Pepper said designing his own tablet was overkill, but so what?) “Yeah, kid?”

“Does Stark Industries do any genetic manipulation-type stuff? Like taking old DNA and combining it with modern DNA and resurrecting an extinct species?”

“No, it doesn’t. Why-? Peter, no, I’m not gonna make you a dinosaur.”

“Oh. Well, somebody did.”

Tony looked up. Peter was looking out the window. Tony followed his gaze to see an _actual dinosaur_ rising above the trees of Central Park.

“I’m going to go pet it.”

“Peter, no.”

Soon after, #lifefindsaway and #centralparktrex were trending on twitter. All of the news stations were running footage of the dinosaur. It turned out to be real, not animatronic as Tony had suspected. And it was indeed a t-rex.

Clint, and surprisingly, Steve, were the most excited to see an actual _honest-to-God_ dinosaur.

“I did not know Midgard had such beasts,” Thor was saying as the Avengers (minus Peter because Tony made him go to school) headed out the front door.

The streets were packed with even more cars than normal, and it would be faster to just walk to Central Park. (Tony wanted to use the suit to fly there but he was talked out of it by Steve, so he proceeded to bitch about having to walk the entire way there.) The Avengers had not been called in any official capacity, but apparently Fury wanted them to check it out, because it wasn’t every day that goddamn dinosaurs showed up in goddamn Central Park. (Only he hadn’t said goddamn.)

“Uh, we usually don’t,” Tony said.

“They went extinct sixty-five million years ago,” Steve supplied.

“Doesn’t anyone find this suspicious?” Bruce asked.

“I do,” Natasha replied.

“Same,” Tony said.

The other three ignored them.

Clint was gushing. “Guys, come on, it’s an actual t-rex!”

“I know!” Steve replied in the same tone.

“Children,” Tony said as Clint and Steve raced ahead. “I live with children.”

There was a police barrier around the heavy-duty fence enclosure, which was tall enough that the dinosaur hopefully couldn’t get out. (Bruce happily explained that the dinosaur was too big to jump for the same reason that elephants also could not, and it was impossible for it to climb out.) Upon seeing the Avengers (Tony and Steve being the most recognizable to the public) they made a path for the six to get up close. Once there, Bruce noticed a display for the dinosaur, and he nudged Tony to get the inventor’s attention.

Tony scanned the sign and read out, “Species: Tyrannosaurus Rex, name: Njal, age: sixteen years, from: Alfheim, weight-”

“That,” Bruce said. “Alfheim. Isn’t that… one of the nine realms?”

“Yes,” Thor said. “Alfheim is the home of the Light Elves. They have many such creatures there.”

The rest of the Avengers suddenly found him much more interesting than the dinosaur. “Space dinosaur,” was all Clint managed to say. (“It’s still a dinosaur!” Steve pointed out.)

“So, how did it get here?” Bruce asked.

“How else?” Natasha said, rolling her eyes. “Three guesses, and the first two don’t count.”

Clint groaned. “Please don’t say-”

“Loki,” Steve said.

“God _damn_ it!” Clint exclaimed.

In the end, the dinosaur was gone by the end of the day when the Avengers finally caught wind of Loki. When asked, he confirmed that he had brought the dinosaur from Alfheim (“Space dinosaur,” Clint said, as if it were important, somehow) but he was going to send it back because it seemed Midgard was not equipped to take care of it, and the zoo was not willing to sacrifice its petting goats to it. After that, both Loki and the t-rex vanished before anyone could even think of getting close enough to capture Loki.

(Peter did get a chance to see the t-rex up close, but did not get to pet it.)


	5. The Other Important Drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki details his visit to a bar.

_Midgardian bars are exactly like Asgardian taverns: loud, crowded, and full of too many people who have consumed too much alcohol._

_ Midgardian alcohol, although weak, is potent enough to the humans, and is much like the alcohol on any other realm: too much causes impaired judgement and coordination, and decreased liver function. (Note to self: look into alcohol as another method of world domination.)_

_ It also tends to get spilled by those who have had too much of it._

_ I believe I showed remarkable restraint in not ending a human’s life when they spilled their drink on me. It will take no time at all to get the smell of Leinenkugel out of my clothing using magic, but that is not the point. It is not yet my goal to attract attention, and shoving a dagger through their eye socket might make the humans take notice. I did, however, make it quite clear to the human that I did not appreciate being wetted with their low-quality brew. I also relieved them of all their currency, so they will have to walk home looking to all as if they had soiled their trousers._


	6. P's and Queues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki serves a slice of cold, divine retribution.

_There was a bit of an incident at my preferred pastry shop this morning. A single human there thought himself above the others. It matters little to me if he thinks thus, but when he thought to act as if he were my better, I decided to correct his misapprehension._

The atmosphere that greeted Loki upon entering his usual coffee-slash-scone shop was one of general irritation. It was very, very crowded. All of the tables were occupied, and still people were lined up before the counter. One among them was talking wildly and animatedly on his phone. He seemed to be the source of the air of discontent. The other patrons were giving him peeved looks, which he seemed oblivious to. Normally, Loki would not care. But the long line was already starting to test his patience. He could just make it obvious to all that he was Loki, God of Lies, Mischief, Chaos, and Someone They Should Not Cross, but someone might summon the Avengers, and he really didn’t feel like dealing with them today. He would be patient. Or at least as reasonably patient as he could.

Five minutes later, Loki finally spoke up. No one else was, so it fell to him to use his words. As usual. “Do you mind?”

“Wait your turn,” the man said. He wasn’t looking at Loki, and therefore missed the look of supreme annoyance the demigod gave him.

Despite his moniker as God of Chaos, Loki did occasionally appreciate peace. Was it too much to ask that he wait in relative quiet?

Apparently so, as the man continued yakking away about some inane subject with whomever he was conversing with. The woman behind the man speaking gave Loki a commiserative look.

The line crept slowly forward over the next few minutes. Each customer would wait, finally place their order, pay, wait some more, finally pick up their order, then exit swiftly. For each person that left, another seemed to appear, making it seem as if the line never got shorter.

Finally the person at the counter stepped aside, leaving room for the man on the phone. The man did not step up, but raised his index finger in a sign that no one misunderstood. there were several audible groans and an “oh, come _on!_”

When it became clear that the man had no intention of wrapping up his conversation or ordering, Loki decided he’d had enough and stepped forward.

“I suggest you table your conversation and order.”

“Gimme a _minute,_ pal!” the man snarled, finally turning to look at Loki.

“I have allowed you several already,” Loki said, and he gestured at the man’s phone. Thinking the impeccably-dressed seemingly-British man was going to attack him, the man took a hasty step back. It took him a moment to realize that his phone had lost all of its charge.

“What the-? What did you do?!”

Loki smiled. It was more than a little mad, and gave the impression that its owner could, and would, do worse if the man did not do the smart thing.

As the man left the shop in a hurry, the nearby customers backed off, allowing Loki to step up to the counter.

“How can I help you?” the barista asked, giving him a nervous look.

“One blueberry scone, please.”


	7. Come Monday, It'll Be Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone has a bad day.

_Loki, a.k.a. Loki Odinson, a.k.a. Loki Laufeyson, a.k.a. Liesmith, a.k.a. Loki Liesmith, a.k.a. God of Lies, a.k.a. God of Mischief, a.k.a. Reindeer Games_

Loki hated Thursdays. For one, it was named after Thor. For another, nothing good ever happened on a Thursday. Just this morning, it was only 8:00 and already unbearably hot. His vanity, however, would not allow him to venture outside in anything less than an acceptable suit. He was almost hit by a bright yellow Midgardian death trap while crossing the street to his favourite pastry shop, which was out of his favourite scones. At least they still had that delightfully cold pink drink.

Drink in hand, Loki ventured outside again. He wouldn't be the only one to suffer.

_Sam Wilson, a.k.a. Falcon_

Thursday was not a good day for travellers. Traffic was backed up all up and down all the major highways.

Sam Wilson found himself wishing he could use his wingpack for personal transportation within city limits more and more with every minute the lanes of traffic did not move. Being a superhero, it seemed, did not come with many perks. He still had to drive to work every day. (He loved his work. Driving there, not so much.) He still had to pay taxes. How come Tony Stark could fly around the city as he liked?

_Peter Parker, a.k.a. Spider-Man_

Thursday was not a good day. Oh, it started out fine. Traffic was a little jammed, but Peter had the ability to avoid it. Ned and MJ were naturally jealous, since the had to take the bus. Being a superhero came with some perks. Peter also managed to stop a mugging on the way, so it wasn’t like he was  _actually_ abusing his abilities for the sake of convenience.

The not-good part of the day happened in chemistry, when Peter’s lab project bubbled over and then somehow caught fire. Flash thought this was enormously funny, and Peter would bet his spider-suit that the other boy had had a hand in the ruination of his lab project.

_Agent Williams, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D._

As a rule, Agent Williams hated Thursdays. They were almost but not quite Friday, which was almost the weekend, so Fridays were okay. This particular Thursday, the helicarrier science lab had an infestation of mice. While they weren’t exactly dangerous, they were extremely annoying and unsanitary. And so, Maria Hill had him searching for the source.  Why Director Fury’s cat couldn’t do this, he didn’t know. The cat probably outranked him.

It took him most of the afternoon to find the source, which turned out to be an opened packet of dried blueberries stuck under a desk where the legs came together to form a crux. When he pulled the packet out, the lab techs hissed at him about having their controlled environment ruined.

_Clint Barton, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D, Avenger, a.k.a. Hawkeye_

Clint Barton was having a bad day. He was due to travel overseas for a mission, which wasn’t so bad, except he had missed his alarm that morning. By the time he got to the S.H.I.E.L.D. cafeteria, he discovered that while it still had enough batter to make waffles in the communal waffle iron, it was out of strawberries to put on them. Waffles weren’t worth eating without strawberries.

Then he discovered that the stash of good coffee in the Agents’ Lounge was gone, and he didn’t have time to go to a decent coffee shop before he was due to ship out. It was a covert mission, so he wasn’t taking a S.H.I.E.L.D jet to his destination. He ended up being held up at the airport. Thankfully there was no trouble getting off the plane once it landed, but then he got a call from his handler telling him that some strange doctor had already dealt with the mark. So now he had to go all the way back, with no time to stop for a coffee.

_Nicholas J. Fury, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D., a.k.a. Fury, a.k.a. Director, a.k.a. Director Fury, a.k.a. Boss_

Nick Fury was not in a good mood on Thursday morning. First, Goose had woken him up by throwing up an entire planter of flowers on the rug. Being an alien cat did not mean that Goose was any less like a normal Earth cat. That included eating things he really shouldn’t. Entire somethings. Fury thought he might have to chop the planter in half in order to get it out the door. Luckily, Flerkens seemed to be immune to things that would poison almost any other Earth animal.

On the way to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, Fury ran into traffic, which today was unusually bad, even for New York. The traffic lights seemed to be flipping at random intervals, and there major backups on all of the main roads. And on top of that, all the machines at his favourite coffee shop were broken. Someone had been called in to fix them, but wouldn’t be there for another hour at least due to the traffic.

The cherry on top was when Fury spotted a familiar, tall, sharp-dressed man with black hair and a green and gold scarf standing on a street corner sipping a cup of something pink.

“Oh,  _hell_ no! Enough is enough!”


	8. Old Haunts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which others have their morning disrupted.

You’re sipping your coffee and browsing the latest headlines on your phone and minding your own business, when the well-dressed man at the next table suddenly startles, dropping his phone on the tabletop with a clatter. You’ve seen him a few times before in this exact shop, and he’s always seemed calm and in control, so you can’t help but wonder what’s upsetting him. You look up to see a shorter man staring at the well-dressed man. The shorter man is wearing a black suit and tie with a pair of sunglasses tucked into the breast pocket. He looks like a man who has seen it all and is not impressed.

“You aren’t dead,” your fellow patron says.

“No,” the suited man says. “But it was a near thing.”

The well-dressed man grins and casually picks up his phone. He tucks it into an inner pocket of the jacket he’s wearing. “So what brings you here?”

“You.”

“Ah. How did you find me?”

“Got a report about an incident in a pastry shop involving someone who looked an awful lot like you.”

The well-dressed man’s eyes were crinkled in amusement. “Would you believe me if I said I have one of those faces?”

“No,” Black Suit says bluntly.

“Care to sit down?” Tall-And-Well-Dressed gestures to the chair opposite of him.

“No, but thanks for the offer.”

“Suit yourself.” The well-dressed man shrugs and takes a bite of his scone.

The suited man doesn’t go away. He stares calmly at the well-dressed man. “Loki, you’re under arrest,” he says.

You immediately choke on your drink. Neither of them seem to notice you. In fact, the suited man goes on speaking while you try to get your breathing under control and comprehend what you just heard.

Loki? The one behind the attack on New York? The estranged younger brother of the honest-to-God extraterrestrial being? Your fellow patron is an alien?!

“With what am I charged?” Loki asks calmly.

“I don’t suppose you recall what happened to New York,” the man says. “Or the statues in Central Park?”

“That wasn’t me.”

The suited man gives him a skeptical look. “What about interfering with the traffic lights and tying up traffic through the whole city? Or the...” He pauses, looking like he’s listening to someone on an earpiece. “The space dinosaur?”

Loki looks extremely pleased with himself.

You remember that dinosaur. It disappeared at the end of the day. You always wondered what had happened to it. It had been pretty cool.

“I don’t suppose it would do any good to request that you come quietly?” the suited man asks.

Loki huffs out a small laugh with a slight jerk of his head. “It never hurts to try,” he says with a grin.

To his credit, the suited man does ask nicely that Loki accompany him peacefully. Loki laughs in his face and gestures, and you’re sure he’s going to cast some magic or something. Faster than you can follow, the suited man pulls something from the inside of his jacket and points it at Loki.

It’s a taser, and Loki  goes down like any other person being tased. You’re surprised by that. Seeing as his brother is the God of Thunder, you’d think Loki would be unfazed by a little electricity. That, and the fact that he’s not human.

It looks painful.

As the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who had been waiting outside cuff Loki and haul him up, you swear you can hear him say something about needing to find a new pastry shop before they take him away.


	9. Don’t Text and Drive (People Crazy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having a watch synced to your phone is probably a good idea. Especially if you're a superhero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to kitkatwinchester for the title of this chapter, and offering suggestions and answering questions regarding certain small details.

On the day that Loki discovered that he hadn’t entirely succeeded in killing Agent Phil Coulson: SHIELD agent/Avengers Handler/flerken-sitter, Peter was unfortunate enough to have his phone confiscated. (It was Flash’s fault.) And even more unfortunately, he chose to ignore Betty’s and Jason’s news blurbs throughout the day. So when Peter picked up his phone after school and turned it on, he was surprised to find he had missed quite a few texts.

From: Mr. Stark

Time: 9:00 AM

Message: Coulson caught Loki at a cafe. He apparently has a sweet tooth.

Time: 9:01 AM

Message: I mean Loki. Loki has a sweet tooth. There’s no way Coulson does. The man is not fun enough.

Time: 9:03 AM

Message: On the other hand, Coulson could have a sweet tooth. He’s a spy, and spies hide things, so he could be hiding the fact that he has a sweet tooth.

Time: 9:04 AM

Message: It would make perfect sense if he does. I wouldn’t be surprised now if it turns out he does have a sweet tooth.

Time: 9:45 AM

Message: Just a heads-up, Loki escaped.

Time: 9:46 AM

Message: No one is sure how he did it, but somewhere between processing him and taking him to his cell, he disappeared. Keep your eyes open and stay safe. If you see him, do not go near him.

Time: 9:47 AM

Message: He literally disappeared. Like, one moment he was there, the next he was gone.

Time: 9:48 AM

Message: I hate magic.

Time: 9:50 AM

Message: I kind of get the feeling that Loki was waiting for that exact moment to disappear.

Time: 11:23 AM

Message: Loki was spotted in Chicago. He showed up in the background of somebody’s selfie at the giant bean sculpture. Pretty sure it wasn’t intentional on his part.

Time: 11:24 AM

Message: Do not go to Chicago. Steve and Clint are taking care of it.

Time: 12:01 PM

Message: Loki got away. Clint is disappointed. Mostly, I think, because he was enjoying hearing Steve monologue at Loki about truth and righteousness and he got cut off when Loki disappeared.

Time: 12:04 PM

Message: It was awesome. Steve asked Loki if he had any desire to be a better person, and what he thought his mother might think of his behavior, and did he know he was letting Thor down, and maybe he would find it more rewarding to fight on the side of good instead of evil.

Time: 12:05 PM

Message: I think Loki skedaddled just so that he wouldn’t have to listen to Steve any longer.

Time: 12:06 PM

Message: I also think Loki might have been close to punching Steve when Cap mentioned his mother.

Time: 12:07 PM

Message: If you do somehow for whatever reason meet Loki, for the love of all that is holy, do not mention his mother.

Time: 2:13 PM

Message: We found him again. He is currently at a park in Ohio. Don’t go to Ohio.

Time: 2:14 PM

Message: I’m 98% sure he’s just screwing with us, and 2% sure he’s building an army of pigeons.

Time: 2:17 PM

Message: I am 12% sure Loki is building an army of pigeons. Don’t feed the birds.

Time: 2:30 PM

Message: Loki was gone before we got there. No idea where he is now. Maintain constant vigilance.

Time: 2:31 PM

Message: I don’t like how these pigeons are looking at me.

Time: 2:32 PM

Message: I hate magic. And pigeons.

Time: 2:47 PM

Message: Loki is back in New York. I’m sending Happy to pick you up after school. He will take you straight home.

Time: 2:48 PM

Message: Don’t even think about going off superhero-ing.

Time: 2:49 PM

Message: Say hi to May for me.


End file.
